Hollywood knows what’s to come

Have you ever finished watching a movie and have an eerily prophetic feeling? When I watched The Planet of The Apes a few years ago, I felt just that way. And it has bothered me ever since. Could Hollywood really know what will happen in the future? I was doubtful at first, but in light of recent scientific discoveries I think that Planet of The Apes might be closer to the truth than anyone thought.

As Jianzhi Zhang from the University of Michigan has recently shown, chimp DNA is actually more evolved than human DNA. This should come as no surprise as we have been under their radar for some time. The chimps have been making careful and detailed observations of us. Obviously, for some sinister future use. They’re a kind of Chimp Mafia, an ape C.I.A. if you will. You doubt this? The chimp at the zoo does not engage in autoerotic activities or, hurl fistfuls of excrement because he is reminiscing of his past days in the wild. No, they are testing our vulnerabilities to various types of warfare. Perhaps they hypothesize that watching a monkey masturbate will really screw with our heads. But I know that all the fistfuls of crap aimed at the faces of innocent children eating those bricks of pink popcorn, is a study of monkey on man biological warfare.

It gets worse, they are well aware of global warming and that the proverbal shit has hit the fan. Recent satellite pictures of Monkey Militia camps deep in the jungle have shown a rush to create and amass arms. The crafty nature of these brutes has been documented by two separate researchers. Jill Preutz and Paco Bertolani, published in Current Biology (17:1-6) “Savanna chimpanzees, Pan troglodytes verus, hunt with tools”. These researchers have documented what U.S. spy satellites have recently suspected, the chimps are manufacturing weapons of human destruction. If something is not done to curb global warming soon, we can look forward to a very hairy future, with colorful butts.



--Submitted by Dr. Zaius